Thursday, December 3, 2009

Man needs work

These last few months have been hard on me, not because I've been having to work hard at work, but rather because for me; It's very hard work not having gainful employment (I've always loved that term, gainful employment).

You see, I work seasonally at irs, & they usually lay off at the end of June (so they don't need to give holiday pay for July 4th.
I kept thinking that any day, I'll have a new job, but that time never seemed to come. I'd become so used to going in for a job that I wanted; & always getting it. I guess the economy has changed a bit!

Any rate, a couple weeks back, I started a part time job doing janitorial work. It's not even good money, but it will help me get back on the path to feeling a little pride as a working man, once again. That's a blessing in it's own right. Also, it'll cover rent at the place that I'm moving to next month, plus it'll help me give my kids Christmas with me this year. I'm really excited to be able to do as I've never put on a Christmas in my own home for any others.

The last couple of months were some of the hardest in some number of years for me to get through. I was relegated to eating whatever people were kind enough to give to me, & I was eating a lot of potatoes & milk. I got so desperate, I applied for unemployment benefits & food stamps; Both of which, I'm finally starting to get each after undergoing a myriad set of mazes including many hour long wait phone calls just to try to get one little thing accomplished over what seems like the last 3 months.

Just before Thanksgiving, I let God know that while I am grateful for so many things; That I am really getting fed up with having to live on the charity of others (often not very well, at that, either!), & that I am suffering a great deal, not even able to buy a lousy loaf of bread in the grocery store or to fill the gas tank in my little car. I cried to him, to please have compassion upon me & start to help me so that I can soon lead my life again, rather than live weakly, as a shadow of my former self.

Recently, I've really been wondering how much of anything really matters to me (other than my kids, because they are all that do matter to me). I don't seem terribly lucky in love, though I've not given it much time; I've only started coming out in Nov 08, as well as the important detail that I don't have my usual self esteem, since joblessness has really eroded my ability to feel that I truly have a great deal to offer, a man (though in reality, I do, within myself).
I don't even hang out with my social groups & friends that live a mild distance away, because the money was non-existent for me for essentials such as gasoline.

Anyone that says that money is the root of all evil, has never had to live without it, & without food in their pantry. Money is a tool that allows people to live with pride & dignity if they so choose it. Without Money, the alternative is anarchy. I am grateful to say, that I now have this new job. It will serve the aforementioned purposes that I intend for it. I am thankful to God for giving it to me; That it may help me to start building my heart, soul, & manhood back up again. It's not my dream job, but it is honest work. It's even good exercise, which I am appreciating.

I now feel like God is seeing to me again, & that I'll soon have better employment soon. I await that with eagerness. I really love working again! God is helping me to rebuild my little world, again...Thank you, God.