Thursday, December 3, 2009

Man needs work

These last few months have been hard on me, not because I've been having to work hard at work, but rather because for me; It's very hard work not having gainful employment (I've always loved that term, gainful employment).

You see, I work seasonally at irs, & they usually lay off at the end of June (so they don't need to give holiday pay for July 4th.
I kept thinking that any day, I'll have a new job, but that time never seemed to come. I'd become so used to going in for a job that I wanted; & always getting it. I guess the economy has changed a bit!

Any rate, a couple weeks back, I started a part time job doing janitorial work. It's not even good money, but it will help me get back on the path to feeling a little pride as a working man, once again. That's a blessing in it's own right. Also, it'll cover rent at the place that I'm moving to next month, plus it'll help me give my kids Christmas with me this year. I'm really excited to be able to do as I've never put on a Christmas in my own home for any others.

The last couple of months were some of the hardest in some number of years for me to get through. I was relegated to eating whatever people were kind enough to give to me, & I was eating a lot of potatoes & milk. I got so desperate, I applied for unemployment benefits & food stamps; Both of which, I'm finally starting to get each after undergoing a myriad set of mazes including many hour long wait phone calls just to try to get one little thing accomplished over what seems like the last 3 months.

Just before Thanksgiving, I let God know that while I am grateful for so many things; That I am really getting fed up with having to live on the charity of others (often not very well, at that, either!), & that I am suffering a great deal, not even able to buy a lousy loaf of bread in the grocery store or to fill the gas tank in my little car. I cried to him, to please have compassion upon me & start to help me so that I can soon lead my life again, rather than live weakly, as a shadow of my former self.

Recently, I've really been wondering how much of anything really matters to me (other than my kids, because they are all that do matter to me). I don't seem terribly lucky in love, though I've not given it much time; I've only started coming out in Nov 08, as well as the important detail that I don't have my usual self esteem, since joblessness has really eroded my ability to feel that I truly have a great deal to offer, a man (though in reality, I do, within myself).
I don't even hang out with my social groups & friends that live a mild distance away, because the money was non-existent for me for essentials such as gasoline.

Anyone that says that money is the root of all evil, has never had to live without it, & without food in their pantry. Money is a tool that allows people to live with pride & dignity if they so choose it. Without Money, the alternative is anarchy. I am grateful to say, that I now have this new job. It will serve the aforementioned purposes that I intend for it. I am thankful to God for giving it to me; That it may help me to start building my heart, soul, & manhood back up again. It's not my dream job, but it is honest work. It's even good exercise, which I am appreciating.

I now feel like God is seeing to me again, & that I'll soon have better employment soon. I await that with eagerness. I really love working again! God is helping me to rebuild my little world, again...Thank you, God.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A comment to sad friend

I was just reading a friends' post. He was feeling very low, So the following is my reply to him. It's a bit more information about me, to be sure.

Dear ----,
Everyone's situation as a gay man is a bit different (at least it seems that way to me). About your age, I ended up at Temple Square, SLC, after the final farewell with a man that I adored in SLC.

I was feeling pretty torn up; Conflicted & extremely sad, feeling that God could never love me again, nor forgive me. I'd not yet experienced forgiveness, or felt God's love in a meaningful way (& 22 years old isn't known as an age for a young guy to be very emotionally stable, either). I went to temple square, where I wandered on that chilly Spring morning, to the bell that they always used to ring for the KSL church broadcasts.

I just broke down; In pain, unable to move for a few minutes that seemed an eternity. I hadn't ever thought of leaving the church, nor did I consider it at that time. It occurred to me that I would need to speak with my bishop for the first serious offense in my life. I really thought that I would be excommunicated & I was terrifie; but I had hit bottom & I fully trusted in the church leaders, though I was horrified to hear what they would think of me.

I wanted to die, rather than consider the possibility that my family might find out that I was some (as I perceived it at the time) Unusual, wicked, twisted perverted evil young man, gone awry.

I even drove very recklessly for several months, but I didn't get into any wrecks or stop living, except in my self condemning heart.

I now have that peace that I needed back then. I go to a gay friendly church, because I need fellowship with people that simply love me for me & won't condemn my nature, just as my God made me; Also because each of us has the innate need to worship God.

Like I said, there are many differences in experience; But I used to feel very torn up about my natural desires VS. the teachings of my youth, in the LDS faith (which I do still prize)& my family.

That being said, I have found that I am much happier without the church sending me mixed messages with a bit of positive, but a lot of the negative thrown in. For me, I can't buy the negative anymore.

My God of love & of all that which is the best of possible knowledge. God knows that people make needed changes when they are loved & given positive guidance rather than negative & condemnatory words. He knows that the positive is far more powerful than anything negative; So why does the LDS faith employ so very much of the negative?

I miss you, & dance clubbing, & talking. Take care of yourself. When I get another phone, I'll let you know the number.

You are still an important mentor in this, my brave new world of being a gay mormon man.

Thank you for that.

Oh gee; I just typed a new blog post! I'll post it. I hope you don't mind, man!

Monday, August 31, 2009

I'm actually in the mood to blog. Right on!

Thursday night I met someone just Utterly Incredible!

He is a Scorpio which is a new experience for me, & was raised around Latter Day Saints for much of his life. He is stunningly featured with stunning, gorgeous eyes. He too, does hair (is attending beauty school) & has a passion for life & is very charismatic.

I met him Thursday night at the Ogden Outreach & we have not been apart, since! He just about overwhelmed me twice over the weekend; He told me that he is in love with me on Saturday & always wants to be with me (& I let him know that I too, am in Love with him), then again, last night When he actually proposed to me! I couldn't help but accept as I crave him in every way possible.

Yesterday at church (such an amazing church) with My Dennis, was magical. People kept telling us that we are beautiful, cute, & have a great energy together! They were simply telling us what I already knew.

Dennis is just beautiful, & I'm so in awe of him & who he is. He is also very good with my kids; So loving with them & able to give them direction when they need it. I admit that I also love that he has a very protective instinct about him that makes me feel all the better around him.

I'm astonished that I can fall in love so rapidly, with anyone. This is a first for me.

I keep thanking God for him in my life & continue to ask him for my guidance with him.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mosey on

I'm finally in a bit of a mood to work on my blog. A lot has happened, since the last posting.

The main reason that I've not been posting, is because I've been internalizing a Terrible Date from Hell with a from MoHo.

It is remarkable the harm that can be done by someone that seems to be kind and harmless. I have been struggling to figure out what life lessons can be learned from having a toxic experience with some one that is subtle, cruel, mean spirited, ungrateful and evil hearted.

If a person feels guilty, you would think that they would analyze why, and what is the cause from within, rather than what is without to blame their issue upon.

Christ taught us love and charity; To love thy neighbor as thyself. What was done to me, was cold blooded, vicious and reprehensible. If a person has issues with someone, you speak with them. If you can't deal with it, then you may ask that person not to be a part of your life or simply change your routine (which is basically why you date).

What this individual did however, goes far over the line of kind, loving, respectful, compassionate or caring. In fact it was & is the complete opposite.

He informed me that He did not want me to go to the MoHo group, because he likes it, and he doesn't want me there. He visited a lawyer, and threatened legal action (all of this because I entertained him well for a weekend, during which, he could have left at any time).

I have been struggling within myself, trying to come to terms with this and make some positive lesson from it. I certainly have no interest in dating the psychotic or the vicious.

Aside from dealing with my 1st ex-wife, I have never been through such an incredibly painful experience in my life.

As funny as this may sound; For me as a Libra, I certainly have no interest to ever date another Aquarius, and as a Snake in the Chinese astrology, I'll never date another Snake, either. I will definitely need to consult astrology more seriously, in the future on such matters.

It's amazing to me, that I could seemingly hit it off with someone, that proved to be so very treacherous. I've always believed that the good you do, comes back to you. I've never intentionally harmed anyone in my life; So I've never expected anything ugly to come my way.

The entire gay, mormon thing, is hard enough without running into the Previously damaged and dysfunctional.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Please don't expect that this posting is intended to give understanding, because on this matter, I'm still grasping for some kind of meaning and understanding.

I love to do positive posts, but this one is merely to help me (hopefully) to figure this out.

None of my gay friends have ever had such an ugly experience in dating the dysfunctional.

I'll now leave this to God, and some how, I pray; Something useful can come of it.

I hope that I'll now feel up to writing in my blog again.

I hope that no one has read this, but I had to write it.


Monday, April 6, 2009

A letter to my Young Self, a letter of Love and Appreciation

Dear young Peter,

I want you to know that your elder self (or brother if you will) loves you and cherishes you with all of his heart and soul.

Your older self knows every time you were injured on a bicycle fall, an awkward social interaction that was embarrassing, or on the rare occasion that you did something naughty and were exposed and punished.

He/I was there with you, every single time you were harmed. He/I cried with you, including when you could not cry but wanted to. I wanted with my entire soul to scoop you up in to my comforting arms and help you feel love/warmth/& healing. It so grieved me that you could not feel it, when you needed that the most. Even so, I sent it to you, willingly.

You are loved no less for any of your youthful inadequacies or errors. All people create such moments of learning even as they try to avoid them. By the way, I often found them to be very cute & charming.

You have a sweet and very tender heart. This will sometimes give you feelings of deep grief, yet this will assist you in your quest to one day become an amazing, splendid, loyal, straight forward man of great depth, wisdom, love and beauty. A man highly favored of God.

You will not always understand why people will say or do some of the the hurtful, selfish, thoughtless things that they sometimes do. You must however bear them with the gladdest heart possible, because they are your unwitting teachers (and need those teachers)...We must learn in this life, all that we can.

Along that wise, you will become highly proficient at understanding individuals very quickly and what their motivations are. You will be able to quickly tell when someone is appropriate to take as a mentor for you in whatever areas they are worthy of emulation.

I ask you to seek to learn charity and compassion, and this will be to your great credit as your love of others will allow you great satisfactions. It will eventually afford you the ability to release great burdens of pain through forgiveness of others and then, eventually of yourself.

You will learn that you can always be perfect in at least some things, but that when you make a mistake, it really will be ok, at least in the long term scheme of God's universe. Do not be so hard on your self...You will often think your self inadequate, but that is the myth. Everyone has to deal with weakness; But with God weak things are made strong.

Please remember that while you may sometimes be disappointed in God or Jesus, that they only want to help you learn; Yet they will not always grant our prayers in the ways that you hope & desire. That is not a bad thing, as it will work out in many unexpected and wonderful blessings.

You will not always prefer how your clothing, hair, body, personality & how other things may work, but you will come to love and appreciate those things and many more; As you become a man. Many will cherish fondly those things and far more, over time, about you.

Remember too, that when you feel alone and that no one would understand you, there have been billions of sons and daughters of God, many of whom have gone through the same trials...They would understand; I now understand, and God our Father and Jesus fully understand and love as you are, today.

You may be embarrassed to hear that you are naked in front of them, but you are totally safe with their viewing you for they are the dearest of friends, not enemies...In time you will cherish that nakedness, as it were, though you can't currently understand other thansshame at the thought, now. This is often natural at this time in your life, too.

Should you accidentally have an erection in the locker room; that is something really hard to control when you are only 14 years. Don't worry about it. Any kids that dislike you for that, have some serious problems with bad family situations. You will come through alright, but some of those children will not.

You will have many mentors; Of whom Tim Cowell will be among the first. Look to what he does, the way he loves everyone around him, the way that he works hard, and the passion that he puts into his school work. However; He has gifts that will take many years for you to acquire. This is not bad, it just simply is.

Tim always admired your loyalty and willingness to simply listen to him speak of what was on his mind. He appreciated your being willing to be there for him at any time he needed.

You will have lovely children that love you with their entire, charming hearts and souls. They have souls that are redolent of the deep soul that you have. Many love your soul because they can tell that you love them and have the charity and purity of heart in their regard.

You will have many such blessings that many will not be fortunate enough to have; Tim is included with this as hard as that is to believe. Do not grieve for him but for a short time, for he lived his life well and with passion.

Look to older friends for they will have unconditional love for you and will give you insights beyond your years. They will be your closest allies.

These allies will often turn to God (also one of your best allies)in Prayer in your behalf...The time will soon come that you will be able to hear his speaking to your heart and you will derive great comfort from that. He is your very best friend, and this will help you through many stressful, anxious times even when you can't feel that you hear him there.

Again, You have no idea what a wonderful and good boy you are. You are a very unique spirit, and you are a light to many around you. The odd thing about that is that you are even now unable to see that, and think that this can't possibly refer to you...See, I told you so.

You are as the Sun to many; providing light in an often dark world, much as your mentors will be a sun for you at different times for different learning experiences.

Live well. You are learning a considerable amount about that in church, but be open to learn good things from many sources, as well...You will be very glad that you did.

Also, one final note, just because something seems to be so, it might not always be the case. Just ask God to help you to know the difference...You will figure things out very well, that way.

Younger Self, Remember that I love you, and I am with you always. All pain can make us strong, and there is joy in that.

Christ's atonement made all of that possible on an eternal scale. He would have suffered, even if only for you. He would have done all of it over again, for you...You matter that much to him. Never forget that.

I love you

Older Peter

P.S.Wear good sunscreen so you keep your youth. You're worth it.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Damn Fire!

I haven't been much into blogging, lately.

I just started back to my seasonal government job, which has really been messing up my sleeping schedule. The sad thing, is that it has really affected my creative flow.

My kids stayed the weekend with me, and have been just a blast, until later this afternoon, when they were wrecking the house with reckless abandon.

This was stressing me out (even after a good nap)...Well I damned near overwhelmed the house when I was burning cardboard with smoke. I thought that the chimney damper had closed, so I actually closed it, started the cardboard, heard the kids yelling for me to see them in the bath and...I came back out to see flames and smoke licking around the top of the fireplace. Bloody, lovely! Just grand.

I quickly determined that nothing would be harmed by the flames itself, so I tore off the plastic weather layer from off of the sliding glass door and opened it, the front door, and windows for the smoke to escape. It's now all over but cleaning up the soot. Still, no actual harm...What a blessing. Definitely a first for me. Thank goodness I don't panic; But so help me, I had all sorts of possible options racing through my brain. I really picked the best one.

That being said, I intend to buy two fire extinguishers ASAP.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Interesting and wonderful times

I've had so many wonderful things going on lately. I keep thanking God for so many blessings, and getting to meet and spend time with so many incredible people.

I had a blast at Scott's and Sarah's MoHo group party in their home. I got to meet several new people and get better acquainted.

One of them is a mentor of mine because he is active in the LDS faith, and Out, and Even works to do his Hometeaching. Holy Cow!

My good friend from years past, referred me to call him after I came out to him; Basically because "C" is just really that impressive and worthy of emulation. So I actually got to meet him, yet I didn't recognize him at the party. He said little things that made me think of him, yet I quickly spaced off the question while everyone was interacting in the swirl of conversation, so I didn't mention that cool guy (that was so willing to speak with me via phone previously with no-holds barred).

It occurred to me later when he posted on facebook, and I let him know. We were both surprised that we didn't figure it out at the party. Too Funny.

God makes the world a smaller place to bless us, sometimes.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Amazing Weekend

This weekend has been astonishing. I've been meeting all of these incredible people ever since Thursday, actually.

I went to my Kinesthesiologist (look it up, It is amazing!), then we went together to Capricorns layer which is this bookstore with amazing vibes, as it were (don't too scared, I'm LDS, but I take it seriously as far as "if there is any thing, good, lovely, virtuous or of good report however that article of faith goes, then we seek after these things), ran into two people that I knew, had an amazing tarot card reading that really affirmed that I am now on my true and correct path (they've never said that before), I found a reiki group (it's really cool too, look it up) that I did join (I've my 1st & 2nd level attunements in both the Usui and Shi shin methods) and we had a positive time on Saturday, plus I got to go dance clubbing with Michael and a new friend RC.

I entered a contest to be a model for Blue Boutique, which I didn't win, but it was really fun. I am one of 4 finalists next Saturday for the best looking guy in Salt Lake (kind of makes me laugh, actually) which will be a blast either way. I've never been in any sort of beauty contest as such, in my life. LOL Too funny but a lot of fun.

God has really been helping me to find like minded people in a major way, over the last very few months.

Oh yes, I got to go to a Pride class on safe sex, and got to meet a lot of very nice men. I'd no idea there were so many things that could be done as safe sex. It was actually very interesting, and you could tell that the people were nice people (not many women except for Rosie our instructor who is really neat).

That being said, I like to think that I can be really chaste, but you still need to know how to handle yourself safely and respectfully in case anything should happen with a guy for your as well as his sake.

This entire coming out process is thrilling, enough that I have to keep remind myself to remain level headed at all times. Among things that I've continued to remain committed to is the Straight Edge lifestyle (goes along with the Word of Wisdom).

I want to have the greatest control over my self so that I can be the best man and father that I can be. I often enough do things in an idiotic manner that I can't really imagine have less control of my faculties than I do have.

Anyrate, God is marvelous and he has started to introduce me to the MoHo's which I have to admit, I really enjoyed. I'm learning to set some common sense rules for myself as a newly coming out, recently divorced gay man. My MoHo friends are giving things to me to consider without being preachy or demeaning. I appreciate that so very much.

I want to have some of the church influence in my life, even if I don't want to feel their full sway and influence by attending weekly, for the time being.

I'm really looking forward to attending Scott's get together on Saturday, and meeting more amazing people.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Sometimes It's Just Good To Cry

Lately, I've just been making time out, to find a great movie or amazing soundtrack that allows me to just cry.

Crying helps the body to release stress hormones and the related chemicals that harm your body.

I feel healthier and happier after a good cry. Every so often, I actually make time to do it.

Growing up, I felt the SSA, and many other stresses, but I rarely cried as I thought I didn't need it nor did I want it . I was scared of crying and ashamed to do so (I was ashamed of a few needful and natural things then that I simply had not been educated about) much as I was afraid of a few other things.

I can see that I might have been much healthier, more courageous, etc., if I had realized that it is far healthier to cry on occasion. I wonder how much differently I might have approached life if I'd not been such an avid believer that "boys don't cry".

One soundtrack that I've rediscovered is The Last Samurai. When I started listening to it in my car, Saturday, I just started to bawl. I felt great afterwards.

I have had more people tell me that if you want to live powerfully you need to eliminate the negative from your life including the news and soap operas, etc. To an extent that may be true.

That being said, I have concluded that there is a great deal that is False about that assertion. Some of the most incredible people that I know have had lives with at least occasional trials, pain of loss, etc. Instead of my thinking of them as weak, they are my mentors as I respect and admire all that they have come through.

They are survivors just as God the Father designed us to be. The inspiration that I find from the MoHo's and those that I personally know gives me the courage to go on, and realize, that there are things worthy of a good cry. Conversely, there is so much more that is worthy of a joyful laugh and smile. The last few have just been so very powerful for me in my life.

There So many things that I'm really grateful for.

I'm good friends with my Ex-Wife, Jen, I have some amazing interests (other than sex, which is a whole other topic, LOL), Feng Shui, Reiki (a form of energy work for stress reduction and health improvement), my dear kids, working out (Including Dancing) which also burns up stress and makes me look and feel great in the process, spending time with friends and family, driving a good car (I don't mean expensive when I say good, I mean nice handling, reliable, efficient, entertaining, fun to drive, however I'm trying to say it), going to places with good energy which includes 2 cool book stores I love, the new Reiki group that I've just found and joined, the MoHo group which I've just started attending, and the list goes on.

I really must mention one of my most powerful mentors and friends, My Room mate Nate. He came out last year to his parents. The things that he has been through, etc., just boggles my mind sometimes. He lives passionately, deliberately and with with forethought. He is kind and loving/respectful with others. I actually found him just before (and Jen just before I met him, told me about how impressed she was by him. She described him very well so that I recognized him when I met him), I started coming out. God sent him into my life, for this revolutionary paradigm shift that I'm currently going through.

He and my friend Michael are my main (not the only ones) mentors for how to structure my life now that I am in the process of coming out. For example, I've been learning to live passionately without shame for who and what I am. I am who I am; And I'm working to continue becoming more as God intends for me to become. I've also been learning that sometimes I will be sad, mad, angry, or disappointed and that is a part of life and I can deal with it.

Some of the most recent lessons that I've learned from Michael, is to not go home with a man from the dance club and to not carouse much. Value my emotions, enough not to share myself physically, with someone that has no knowing or love for me.

Nate took me to a safe sex class at the Pride Center in SLC, Saturday. I had a very positive experience learning that you can do anything sexual with a protective barrier. It really is all about respecting yourself. I met some very good people there (which is different from how I used to perceive a lot of homosexual people) Many of us SSA types, really have big hearts, if we don't allow society to break us). I've always been intimidated to go to such things, so I was very grateful for his supporting me in this.

I've also been learning that I can simply hold someone, to feel worthy to be held and cared for (just agape' love/friendship is needed for it to be beneficial). It's very life affirming to simply have someone hold you. Sex isn't required or even a major commitment such as Marriage or anything similar.

Well, my insomnia is wearing out, so I'm ready to go back to bed, again. Today I am starting my seasonal work 430pm-1am, so I won't be around during the evenings. That will be an adjustment, as will wearing glasses which I should receive this week (I hope the glasses look sexy on me!).

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Just been reading other moho blogs

I haven't been able to sleep for the last 1 1/2hours, so I finally got up for a very early breakfast (4am). The insomniac thing is a nuisance on occasion.

I was reading A New Light, A New Life's portion called The Reaction (among others that I love to read). I must admit that I was moved. He is such an amazing man, yet he doesn't always consider himself to be so. Such a gutsy thing to come out to your parents, only the most important people in a man's life, who made his life come to fruition.

I've had some amazing experiences recently. So many people and activities that God has been sending to me, to remind me that He loves me still, and so very much.

About 1 month ago, I met this remarkable 50ish lady, a family woman whose children were raised in the LDS faith, a divorcee, a cancer survivor, a healer (kinesthesiology, look it up if you aren't familiar because it is amazing!).
I met her behind the chair (that means that I was cutting her hair).

She's just really opened her heart to me; She's given me 3 kinesthesiology treatments, gotten all of my chakras opened and so on. I am feeling better and better, through our association. I came out to her on the 2nd visit and she was just so very supportive and let me know that she really admired my courage and bravery in doing so.

Yesterday, after our 3rd session; She invited me to this great metaphysical bookstore/coffee shop here in Ogden, that had all of these incredible people there.

What's more is that I knew 2 of the people (customers) that were there; From running around town and doing hair.

One of the ladies is a gray haired older woman with a bob that falls half way between her chin & shoulders that I met last month at The Bookshelf (yes, a bookstore). One of her little money making hobbies is reading Tarot Cards which she is very good at.

Well, she offered to do a mini reading for me. In it she was so very spot on about my new life and now being willing to see things and explore things in my life; Considering their being exactly as they truly are (which I was always taught in church to repent and move forward from, and I now consider to have been to simply pretend it away; Which I've often been very good at doing in spurts).

She congratulated me for being so very authentic and being willing to consider things that I had been struggling with for my entire life's journey, things that I had been very unwilling to accept for a very long time (due to my considering it to be immoral and unworthy).

At one point, she told me that she was "in awe" of me. That was actually pretty overwhelming in it's own right, because people don't usually tell me that (well, perhaps they do, but I just casually blow it off as; They simply must be easily impressed, so whatever. I often dismiss complements such as you look so good with thoughts such as; I have a hideous smile so I can't be that beautiful.). She absolutely insisted that I consider & understand that She Was In Awe of me. She knew that it was important that I not just excuse it blithely, and she even told me so.

It was the most powerful tarot reading I've received over the last, like 10 years.

The last part was the Sun card, and she told me that a lot of people really look up to me (they certainly do when I'm behind the chair), and yet; I frequently have trouble believing or even remembering it.

Most of my life, I've felt that if that person that I was speaking with knew of my twisted perverted yearnings for that man over there, they would think me hideous, evil & yes, untrustworthy. Of course feelings aren't logical and only have the power that we give credence to them, unless they are actual truth.

She explained that people love to be around me. I've many regular clients that love to request that I work on them. When I do, we have all types of positive exchanges discussing many different sorts of things. To people I am a powerful being of light that is very attractive, graceful, charming and just all around marvelous. Of course; I was rather blown away because I'm usually very good at minimizing compliments that I am given (she called me on that in no uncertain terms). I don't want to get a big head or come across as desperate for love after all. Isn't it just stupid how we as human beings are willing to build some distance in relationships that are only offering complete love and acceptance?

That reading indicated that I am now being my most real self possible. That is exactly how I've been living the last several months since Dec 08. I'm currently living (pardon the expression) balls to the wall. That is exactly how I now feel about myself. When I feel prompted to do so, I come out, and if I don't then I don't (no need to cast your pearls before swine lest they rend you asunder).

I keep asking God to help me learn the things that he would have me learn about myself and his will. I just know that when I do that, I have these incredible opportunities to do amazing things; And looking back, I always wonder that I actually did such and such a thing. It just leaves me in awe sometimes. Funny how that works.

Anyrate a fair number of the readers will think me bloody odd with my fascination with the metaphysical (believe me, this is only the tip of the iceberg, as I also practice reiki, herbology, dowsing and feng shui but eschew things such as ouija board (say wee-jee), but I love learning things that God has given our fellow man knowledge of.

The thing that I really find enthralling is that God makes available to us, every needed possibility to find our hearts and to find our future paths which may be entirely different than we could ever have planned or have foreseen.

I am incredibly blessed to have 2 beautiful children sent from heaven, sleeping blissfully in my bed tonight. I have all of the love in the world. What more do I need?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Walking through the fog

The last couple of days I've had moments where I suspected that I was walking through a fog; A mist veiling my perceptions even as I have been hurting within, feeling all the while like it must be real.

Well guess what; I found out the truth, and it has set me free...Things were not as I feared, though the fog was certainly real enough. I'm just grateful that I didn't go and make a cliche' ass of myself. I kept telling myself to just soft pedal things and it will work out for the best.

I like saying that to Assume, is to make an ass out of you and an ass out of me (I can't recall who gave the quote). It's saved me from doing so on many occasions, though certainly not every time.

I really wear my heart on my sleeve; I often find myself feeling sad for myself when I realize that someone hurt my feelings, yet thinking about it I often realize that they didn't directly say something hurtful but rather something I took as possibly/maybe snide or hurtful.

Thankfully, I don't feel weak or sad for long and quickly get over the hurt as I go wandering down the primrose path (hopefully not down to hell).

Ok, I've vented.

Last weekend, my friend Jason and I attended a Roller Derby event in Ogden. One of my Clients invited me to come and hang out with her and her boyfriend; So I went and I Hated it! Smelly, unbathed women appall me, I guess. We stayed about 40 minutes, before running out of there, like whores coming out of a church.

The experience was illuminating and I don't go ever again. Everyone was drinking a beer. To my way of thinking, if everyone has to have a drink to put up with the event, It must not be very entertaining.

Well, I've likely been a bit too offensive, so I'll just shut up, now.

I guess that my main point is that sometimes I feel some of the emotions that I used to feel as a child and as a single guy, and it is really hard since I don't have the same instant support of a wife that I had for 8 years. I am really going to need to make some adjustments, over time. That support was a real blessing to me when I was married.

Well, I'll tell you more, later.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Korean Food

Today really sped by for work; Then some clothing shopping with my daughter Kiera (she loved buying clothing for herself) and my new friend Alex.

I needed to buy some utterly odd, coloured shirts for a sale promotion at work (they wanted everyone at work to match which is ridiculous, but oh well...I really can use some new clothing anyway).

One thing that popped into my head is that my ex-wife is telling people that she divorced me partly because of my SSA. How lovely that she is outing me.

A part of me feels ticked off that she's telling my story , and yet another part of me tends to figure that I may not know how God will work in my life to bless me with a life partner. Feeling conflicted is something I don't deal with particularly well (does anyone become good at it?). I don't know.

She asked me last week when I'm going to come out. As I likely stated previously, I'm coming out to friends as I see fit. That being said, she is on the look out for nice men for me to meet.

Anyrate, after buying the clothing, I took my daughter and Alex for Korean Food at a great little Restaurant in Layton. I ordered Kim pop, & pib im pop and we shared. Kiera and Alex never had Korean food but they both seemed to enjoy it (I warned them which foods were hot). She is so cute with her chop sticks.

I must admit that I'm occasionally conflicted with my feelings (who isn't?), and I haven't been getting to spend as much time with my children recently which leaves me highly conflicted.

My kids are such a bedrock as to help me stay sane when I'm hurting inside.

I work with people all day, every day, so I really don't go out a great deal to spend time with friends, yet I sometimes really feel a little jealous when I'm home all alone. I didn't realize until recently that I sometimes do feel a little jealous. Go figure, right?

I really love being with people in the evening, though I love being alone during the mornings.

All of us have such complexities to our souls. Such things make us actual individuals, just as our similarities make us related.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

Sunday, another day away from church with my new ward

Hello All,

I didn't attend church, today, for the umpteenth Sunday since the week of December 18th when I moved into my new home, from my home with my then wife.

I learned during my 1st divorce, that even total strangers in church grieve when they learn that you are divorcing. I really don't need to deal with that at this point in time.

In addition, I don't want any said people trying to fix me up with a nice girl (3rd times the charm? More likely that the absolute opposite is the case according to the statistics). I've more people that want to set me up currently (much as when I was divorced the first time)

I have Same Sex Attraction, therefore another woman is not going to fix me. I've concluded that until something changes, it would be utterly unfair to get involved with another woman. BAD IDEA!

More importantly, I need to be able to continue to help raise my kids. They need Daddy far more than I need another wife. When you get married, that person needs to be number one in your life and obviously to me at least; My kids need to be number one.

I can get remarried in 16 years should I see fit to do so. However; I'll never to be able to turn back time to correct for my failures with my kids. No Success can compensate for failure in the home and so on and so forth.

After last weeks Matis Fireside, My friend Michael and I were discussing one of the women's words in regard to the Gay lifestyle not being a balanced or healthy lifestyle (I'm trying to remember the exact words).

She was stating that balanced, monogamous healthy relationships are extremely rare in the gay world. Well, she may not have noticed, but they are bloody rare too in the Heterosexual world, even with in the LDS faith. I mean; look at me, twice divorced now and both times sealed in the temple

I've always considered myself to an exceptionally easy person to live with and get along with, and I'm charming and loving to a fault and I'm spiritual and love God. Yet, here I am unable to fully satisfy apparently (I'm not talking about sexual adequacy as that was a very good part of those marriages, LOL).

So onward with those somewhat realistic words (from that good woman's paradigm/perspective); She was right, but she can also be utterly wrong and here is why:

Are we as LDS not taught that we are a strange and peculiar people? I always heard it growing up, but frankly I always thought it strange that many people around me in AZ., were getting lacquered on the weekends at the bars, etc.

Yet, the teetotolers are in reality the oddballs in the world...Same thing in Seoul, Korea when I lived there. We LDS truly are a peculiar people.

Now are gay people a bit strange? We don't seem to make up the majority of men (sorry but I'm gender specific so my blog is too). Perhaps we are.

Now then, if we as SSA men choose to follow the tenets of the LDS faith including the Word of Wisdom, aren't we being even more peculiar? Yes we are.

My point is this; Most dysfunctional relationships have contributing factors such as alcohol/drug usage among other risky behaviours. By abstaining from these and other risk factors; Do we not have a far greater likelihood of having a long term committed relationship? I should certainly think so.

As a gay LDS man, I am choosing to forego the creation of new vices in my life. This will help me as a man, to continue to progress as God desires all of his children to do. I am not perfect, but I can work to become perfect or least excellent in many areas of my life. I can be, and am happy, now.

I thank God daily for the many blessings that he does give me.

By the way, Should anyone want to fix me up with a beautiful man; I'm all for it, now. LOL

Good night


Saturday, March 7, 2009

just another day

I wanted to make a difference today. I did. I made a 13 year old boy have great hair, and I helped to temporarily relieve him of the embarrassing flaking of psoraiasis and to let him know that he matters. It's amazing to see how a little kindness can touch the heart of someone that needs to feel the touch of the masters hand.

All of us need to feel that touch of the master's hand, every so often. It empowers us to better be able to bless others in this world. When we bless others, we are actually touching them with the master's hand

I'm on my quest to live my life one day at a time. I just try to think how would God see this individual, as this is his child, too? I ask him to help me love the person that I must work on; And often I find my self growing to love that person to whatever extent.

I'll have plenty of time to look within, but I won't always have additional opportunity to know that specific person that God loves just as dearly as he loves me.

By the same token, I must occasionally remind myself that God does love me, Unconditionally. His love is free to us all. That in it's own right teaches that we must also value our own soul which is priceless.

I'll have plenty of opportunity to analyze my sexuality/sensuality/sensibility/spirituality/morality and causality when my brain and spirit are willing to wrap themselves around it.

I'm honored to get to learn from others that are remarkable to me; That can understand at least portions of my persona.

Sometimes I really love to rhapsodize philosophic.

I must go to sleep now.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Another day in this, my new and exciting adventure

Today has been an interesting day for me. I got to go to my kinesthesioligist who opened up my chakras (they get closed down when I get too stressed out).
Yes, I do the alternative healing and wellness maintenance, rather than doing prescription drugs.

I'm really different in a lot of little ways from many other people.

I came out to my kinesthesioligist and to my friends Chris, Andrew and Rachel during the last 7 days. I am coming out to those friends that I feel prompted to. I am being prompted to tell those that I need to. I don't know why, only that it is what God is recommending; I trust him. They have all been very supportive and loved me perhaps even more.

One thing about me, is that I have always worked hard to work past my SSA; As I was always taught that this is the righteous way to do things, according to the LDS church. I am now creating my future history by the day, living in a manner exploring this "dark side" of me. Understand that I no longer consider this to be my dark side. More like my taste for dark meat rather than the light meat (think of turkey or chicken for example).

I do confess that this new adventure that I have set out upon; is exciting, rather like the very first trip that I drove my siblings and I to Utah (from AZ) without our parents. It's as though the evening sky; A grand panoply holding a full moon with surreal light, the stars so majestic and crystal clear; nearly making me weep with joy and hope for that which I've not actually managed to define.

I am a child again, looking to God and seeking guidance to find the treasure that I desire; Though I don't know it, I will recognize it .I am looking forward to finding a marvelous man that will treasure me, myself and I. I have learned that I must simply be able to love and allow myself to be loved. A bit different from all of the rules that I, society, and our church placed on it (such as having to only be married to a woman, etc.)

I have only recently confessed to anyone about this SSA aspect of my personality, and the 1st people that I told were my married friends Ryan and Denise last summer. I actually introduced them to each other (never dreaming they'd get married) back in the early 90's. They are good friends, and they are willing to listen (when their 7 kids aren't needing some of their child rearing skills).

It's been a great day, and I stayed up much to late last night (having fun with friends) as well as much too late tonight creating this blog and chatting with my supportive Brother Levi (He was among the first that I came out to) and my friend Alex.

I've been very blessed today, and I can only thank Heavenly Father for that.

Good night

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My New Hope, My New Life, My New Spring

I'm starting my 1st blog, ever, thanks to Michael and Robert inspiring me with theirs. I was just blown away by their incredible life experiences that they so generously put out there to be perused.

I am desirous that I may better learn about myself and my life's experiences that I can better see how I need to learn and experience in the optimal manner possible for my own improvement.

I am freshly divorced from my second wife and the very best friend, on all levels; That I have ever had.
Jen and I have had 8 years together, that I considered to be good. Note that I didn't say perfect, but it was good.

I've decided that perfection is a description for a very temporary or short term situation. Perfection can be feigned; Often a mere simulation, a facade of the most gorgeous truth that we strive to attain.

I'm not certain that I've genuinely experienced perfection on more than a short term scale, but it is then gorgeous and lovely.

My Jen has always known of my affinity for my gender, yet she loved me anyway.

I have usually worked hard to bury my temptations for men, throughout my entire life. I have always worked hard to repent of my sexual sins and prayed often for healing of my base and carnal and depraved perverted desires.

At this point, I no longer feel unnatural or twisted, but rather I feel at peace with how I have come to see myself as a child of a Loving God, that knows my name and yearns to hear me call upon him, with my love, praise, cares, pains and griefs.

I used to wonder how God could make a man/boy so imperfect and damaged as I saw it to be. When I was only to yearn for the love of one of his elect daughters of zion rather than one of his beautiful lads. I have actually always adored his daughters as well as his sons.

I worked to not ache or lust for the men, but only want the women. Yet being with my wife, as lovely as it could be, would not fully fulfill the longings of my heart.

My Bishop when I was about 20-21 told me that I am not gay. He was partially correct...I am heterosexual with some powerful SSA about me and my instincts.

I have never come so completely to terms with this awkward combination of sexual desires as I have recently. In doing so, I have gotten to the point that I don't care as much to value the typical societal norms; Much less so in fact, than I have in the past.

I am a special son of God, our Loving Heavenly Father. I do not understand why he has not taken away my ardor for good men that love him; Why he has not healed me, when he could should it be his will.

It reminds me of the Apostle Paul asking that he be granted the miracle of healing of his "Thorn in the flesh"; Yet Christ let him know that this desire was not to be granted. God will grant only those miracles that he sees fit as being for the best for us and for others.

I often become exhausted trying to do too much with too little rest and such is this time, now. I need to post and go to bed. My spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. That is so utterly true in so many ways. Eischhhhhhh! (Korean expletive rather like "oh hell, or whatnot).