My New Hope, My New Life, My New Spring

I'm starting my 1st blog, ever, thanks to Michael and Robert inspiring me with theirs. I was just blown away by their incredible life experiences that they so generously put out there to be perused.

I am desirous that I may better learn about myself and my life's experiences that I can better see how I need to learn and experience in the optimal manner possible for my own improvement.

I am freshly divorced from my second wife and the very best friend, on all levels; That I have ever had.
Jen and I have had 8 years together, that I considered to be good. Note that I didn't say perfect, but it was good.

I've decided that perfection is a description for a very temporary or short term situation. Perfection can be feigned; Often a mere simulation, a facade of the most gorgeous truth that we strive to attain.

I'm not certain that I've genuinely experienced perfection on more than a short term scale, but it is then gorgeous and lovely.

My Jen has always known of my affinity for my gender, yet she loved me anyway.

I have usually worked hard to bury my temptations for men, throughout my entire life. I have always worked hard to repent of my sexual sins and prayed often for healing of my base and carnal and depraved perverted desires.

At this point, I no longer feel unnatural or twisted, but rather I feel at peace with how I have come to see myself as a child of a Loving God, that knows my name and yearns to hear me call upon him, with my love, praise, cares, pains and griefs.

I used to wonder how God could make a man/boy so imperfect and damaged as I saw it to be. When I was only to yearn for the love of one of his elect daughters of zion rather than one of his beautiful lads. I have actually always adored his daughters as well as his sons.

I worked to not ache or lust for the men, but only want the women. Yet being with my wife, as lovely as it could be, would not fully fulfill the longings of my heart.

My Bishop when I was about 20-21 told me that I am not gay. He was partially correct...I am heterosexual with some powerful SSA about me and my instincts.

I have never come so completely to terms with this awkward combination of sexual desires as I have recently. In doing so, I have gotten to the point that I don't care as much to value the typical societal norms; Much less so in fact, than I have in the past.

I am a special son of God, our Loving Heavenly Father. I do not understand why he has not taken away my ardor for good men that love him; Why he has not healed me, when he could should it be his will.

It reminds me of the Apostle Paul asking that he be granted the miracle of healing of his "Thorn in the flesh"; Yet Christ let him know that this desire was not to be granted. God will grant only those miracles that he sees fit as being for the best for us and for others.

I often become exhausted trying to do too much with too little rest and such is this time, now. I need to post and go to bed. My spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. That is so utterly true in so many ways. Eischhhhhhh! (Korean expletive rather like "oh hell, or whatnot).