Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sweet & tender little commercial That I wanted to share


That video is really full of the hope of all humanity with a great message to not fear. I just had to share that.


Thursday, December 3, 2009

Man needs work

These last few months have been hard on me, not because I've been having to work hard at work, but rather because for me; It's very hard work not having gainful employment (I've always loved that term, gainful employment).

You see, I work seasonally at irs, & they usually lay off at the end of June (so they don't need to give holiday pay for July 4th.
I kept thinking that any day, I'll have a new job, but that time never seemed to come. I'd become so used to going in for a job that I wanted; & always getting it. I guess the economy has changed a bit!

Any rate, a couple weeks back, I started a part time job doing janitorial work. It's not even good money, but it will help me get back on the path to feeling a little pride as a working man, once again. That's a blessing in it's own right. Also, it'll cover rent at the place that I'm moving to next month, plus it'll help me give my kids Christmas with me this year. I'm really excited to be able to do as I've never put on a Christmas in my own home for any others.

The last couple of months were some of the hardest in some number of years for me to get through. I was relegated to eating whatever people were kind enough to give to me, & I was eating a lot of potatoes & milk. I got so desperate, I applied for unemployment benefits & food stamps; Both of which, I'm finally starting to get each after undergoing a myriad set of mazes including many hour long wait phone calls just to try to get one little thing accomplished over what seems like the last 3 months.

Just before Thanksgiving, I let God know that while I am grateful for so many things; That I am really getting fed up with having to live on the charity of others (often not very well, at that, either!), & that I am suffering a great deal, not even able to buy a lousy loaf of bread in the grocery store or to fill the gas tank in my little car. I cried to him, to please have compassion upon me & start to help me so that I can soon lead my life again, rather than live weakly, as a shadow of my former self.

Recently, I've really been wondering how much of anything really matters to me (other than my kids, because they are all that do matter to me). I don't seem terribly lucky in love, though I've not given it much time; I've only started coming out in Nov 08, as well as the important detail that I don't have my usual self esteem, since joblessness has really eroded my ability to feel that I truly have a great deal to offer, a man (though in reality, I do, within myself).
I don't even hang out with my social groups & friends that live a mild distance away, because the money was non-existent for me for essentials such as gasoline.

Anyone that says that money is the root of all evil, has never had to live without it, & without food in their pantry. Money is a tool that allows people to live with pride & dignity if they so choose it. Without Money, the alternative is anarchy. I am grateful to say, that I now have this new job. It will serve the aforementioned purposes that I intend for it. I am thankful to God for giving it to me; That it may help me to start building my heart, soul, & manhood back up again. It's not my dream job, but it is honest work. It's even good exercise, which I am appreciating.

I now feel like God is seeing to me again, & that I'll soon have better employment soon. I await that with eagerness. I really love working again! God is helping me to rebuild my little world, again...Thank you, God.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A comment to sad friend

I was just reading a friends' post. He was feeling very low, So the following is my reply to him. It's a bit more information about me, to be sure.

Dear ----,
Everyone's situation as a gay man is a bit different (at least it seems that way to me). About your age, I ended up at Temple Square, SLC, after the final farewell with a man that I adored in SLC.

I was feeling pretty torn up; Conflicted & extremely sad, feeling that God could never love me again, nor forgive me. I'd not yet experienced forgiveness, or felt God's love in a meaningful way (& 22 years old isn't known as an age for a young guy to be very emotionally stable, either). I went to temple square, where I wandered on that chilly Spring morning, to the bell that they always used to ring for the KSL church broadcasts.

I just broke down; In pain, unable to move for a few minutes that seemed an eternity. I hadn't ever thought of leaving the church, nor did I consider it at that time. It occurred to me that I would need to speak with my bishop for the first serious offense in my life. I really thought that I would be excommunicated & I was terrifie; but I had hit bottom & I fully trusted in the church leaders, though I was horrified to hear what they would think of me.

I wanted to die, rather than consider the possibility that my family might find out that I was some (as I perceived it at the time) Unusual, wicked, twisted perverted evil young man, gone awry.

I even drove very recklessly for several months, but I didn't get into any wrecks or stop living, except in my self condemning heart.

I now have that peace that I needed back then. I go to a gay friendly church, because I need fellowship with people that simply love me for me & won't condemn my nature, just as my God made me; Also because each of us has the innate need to worship God.

Like I said, there are many differences in experience; But I used to feel very torn up about my natural desires VS. the teachings of my youth, in the LDS faith (which I do still prize)& my family.

That being said, I have found that I am much happier without the church sending me mixed messages with a bit of positive, but a lot of the negative thrown in. For me, I can't buy the negative anymore.

My God of love & of all that which is the best of possible knowledge. God knows that people make needed changes when they are loved & given positive guidance rather than negative & condemnatory words. He knows that the positive is far more powerful than anything negative; So why does the LDS faith employ so very much of the negative?

I miss you, & dance clubbing, & talking. Take care of yourself. When I get another phone, I'll let you know the number.

You are still an important mentor in this, my brave new world of being a gay mormon man.

Thank you for that.

Oh gee; I just typed a new blog post! I'll post it. I hope you don't mind, man!

Monday, August 31, 2009

I'm actually in the mood to blog. Right on!

Thursday night I met someone just Utterly Incredible!

He is a Scorpio which is a new experience for me, & was raised around Latter Day Saints for much of his life. He is stunningly featured with stunning, gorgeous eyes. He too, does hair (is attending beauty school) & has a passion for life & is very charismatic.

I met him Thursday night at the Ogden Outreach & we have not been apart, since! He just about overwhelmed me twice over the weekend; He told me that he is in love with me on Saturday & always wants to be with me (& I let him know that I too, am in Love with him), then again, last night When he actually proposed to me! I couldn't help but accept as I crave him in every way possible.

Yesterday at church (such an amazing church) with My Dennis, was magical. People kept telling us that we are beautiful, cute, & have a great energy together! They were simply telling us what I already knew.

Dennis is just beautiful, & I'm so in awe of him & who he is. He is also very good with my kids; So loving with them & able to give them direction when they need it. I admit that I also love that he has a very protective instinct about him that makes me feel all the better around him.

I'm astonished that I can fall in love so rapidly, with anyone. This is a first for me.

I keep thanking God for him in my life & continue to ask him for my guidance with him.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mosey on

I'm finally in a bit of a mood to work on my blog. A lot has happened, since the last posting.

The main reason that I've not been posting, is because I've been internalizing a Terrible Date from Hell with a from MoHo.

It is remarkable the harm that can be done by someone that seems to be kind and harmless. I have been struggling to figure out what life lessons can be learned from having a toxic experience with some one that is subtle, cruel, mean spirited, ungrateful and evil hearted.

If a person feels guilty, you would think that they would analyze why, and what is the cause from within, rather than what is without to blame their issue upon.

Christ taught us love and charity; To love thy neighbor as thyself. What was done to me, was cold blooded, vicious and reprehensible. If a person has issues with someone, you speak with them. If you can't deal with it, then you may ask that person not to be a part of your life or simply change your routine (which is basically why you date).

What this individual did however, goes far over the line of kind, loving, respectful, compassionate or caring. In fact it was & is the complete opposite.

He informed me that He did not want me to go to the MoHo group, because he likes it, and he doesn't want me there. He visited a lawyer, and threatened legal action (all of this because I entertained him well for a weekend, during which, he could have left at any time).

I have been struggling within myself, trying to come to terms with this and make some positive lesson from it. I certainly have no interest in dating the psychotic or the vicious.

Aside from dealing with my 1st ex-wife, I have never been through such an incredibly painful experience in my life.

As funny as this may sound; For me as a Libra, I certainly have no interest to ever date another Aquarius, and as a Snake in the Chinese astrology, I'll never date another Snake, either. I will definitely need to consult astrology more seriously, in the future on such matters.

It's amazing to me, that I could seemingly hit it off with someone, that proved to be so very treacherous. I've always believed that the good you do, comes back to you. I've never intentionally harmed anyone in my life; So I've never expected anything ugly to come my way.

The entire gay, mormon thing, is hard enough without running into the Previously damaged and dysfunctional.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Please don't expect that this posting is intended to give understanding, because on this matter, I'm still grasping for some kind of meaning and understanding.

I love to do positive posts, but this one is merely to help me (hopefully) to figure this out.

None of my gay friends have ever had such an ugly experience in dating the dysfunctional.

I'll now leave this to God, and some how, I pray; Something useful can come of it.

I hope that I'll now feel up to writing in my blog again.

I hope that no one has read this, but I had to write it.


Monday, April 6, 2009

A letter to my Young Self, a letter of Love and Appreciation

Dear young Peter,

I want you to know that your elder self (or brother if you will) loves you and cherishes you with all of his heart and soul.

Your older self knows every time you were injured on a bicycle fall, an awkward social interaction that was embarrassing, or on the rare occasion that you did something naughty and were exposed and punished.

He/I was there with you, every single time you were harmed. He/I cried with you, including when you could not cry but wanted to. I wanted with my entire soul to scoop you up in to my comforting arms and help you feel love/warmth/& healing. It so grieved me that you could not feel it, when you needed that the most. Even so, I sent it to you, willingly.

You are loved no less for any of your youthful inadequacies or errors. All people create such moments of learning even as they try to avoid them. By the way, I often found them to be very cute & charming.

You have a sweet and very tender heart. This will sometimes give you feelings of deep grief, yet this will assist you in your quest to one day become an amazing, splendid, loyal, straight forward man of great depth, wisdom, love and beauty. A man highly favored of God.

You will not always understand why people will say or do some of the the hurtful, selfish, thoughtless things that they sometimes do. You must however bear them with the gladdest heart possible, because they are your unwitting teachers (and need those teachers)...We must learn in this life, all that we can.

Along that wise, you will become highly proficient at understanding individuals very quickly and what their motivations are. You will be able to quickly tell when someone is appropriate to take as a mentor for you in whatever areas they are worthy of emulation.

I ask you to seek to learn charity and compassion, and this will be to your great credit as your love of others will allow you great satisfactions. It will eventually afford you the ability to release great burdens of pain through forgiveness of others and then, eventually of yourself.

You will learn that you can always be perfect in at least some things, but that when you make a mistake, it really will be ok, at least in the long term scheme of God's universe. Do not be so hard on your self...You will often think your self inadequate, but that is the myth. Everyone has to deal with weakness; But with God weak things are made strong.

Please remember that while you may sometimes be disappointed in God or Jesus, that they only want to help you learn; Yet they will not always grant our prayers in the ways that you hope & desire. That is not a bad thing, as it will work out in many unexpected and wonderful blessings.

You will not always prefer how your clothing, hair, body, personality & how other things may work, but you will come to love and appreciate those things and many more; As you become a man. Many will cherish fondly those things and far more, over time, about you.

Remember too, that when you feel alone and that no one would understand you, there have been billions of sons and daughters of God, many of whom have gone through the same trials...They would understand; I now understand, and God our Father and Jesus fully understand and love as you are, today.

You may be embarrassed to hear that you are naked in front of them, but you are totally safe with their viewing you for they are the dearest of friends, not enemies...In time you will cherish that nakedness, as it were, though you can't currently understand other thansshame at the thought, now. This is often natural at this time in your life, too.

Should you accidentally have an erection in the locker room; that is something really hard to control when you are only 14 years. Don't worry about it. Any kids that dislike you for that, have some serious problems with bad family situations. You will come through alright, but some of those children will not.

You will have many mentors; Of whom Tim Cowell will be among the first. Look to what he does, the way he loves everyone around him, the way that he works hard, and the passion that he puts into his school work. However; He has gifts that will take many years for you to acquire. This is not bad, it just simply is.

Tim always admired your loyalty and willingness to simply listen to him speak of what was on his mind. He appreciated your being willing to be there for him at any time he needed.

You will have lovely children that love you with their entire, charming hearts and souls. They have souls that are redolent of the deep soul that you have. Many love your soul because they can tell that you love them and have the charity and purity of heart in their regard.

You will have many such blessings that many will not be fortunate enough to have; Tim is included with this as hard as that is to believe. Do not grieve for him but for a short time, for he lived his life well and with passion.

Look to older friends for they will have unconditional love for you and will give you insights beyond your years. They will be your closest allies.

These allies will often turn to God (also one of your best allies)in Prayer in your behalf...The time will soon come that you will be able to hear his speaking to your heart and you will derive great comfort from that. He is your very best friend, and this will help you through many stressful, anxious times even when you can't feel that you hear him there.

Again, You have no idea what a wonderful and good boy you are. You are a very unique spirit, and you are a light to many around you. The odd thing about that is that you are even now unable to see that, and think that this can't possibly refer to you...See, I told you so.

You are as the Sun to many; providing light in an often dark world, much as your mentors will be a sun for you at different times for different learning experiences.

Live well. You are learning a considerable amount about that in church, but be open to learn good things from many sources, as well...You will be very glad that you did.

Also, one final note, just because something seems to be so, it might not always be the case. Just ask God to help you to know the difference...You will figure things out very well, that way.

Younger Self, Remember that I love you, and I am with you always. All pain can make us strong, and there is joy in that.

Christ's atonement made all of that possible on an eternal scale. He would have suffered, even if only for you. He would have done all of it over again, for you...You matter that much to him. Never forget that.

I love you

Older Peter

P.S.Wear good sunscreen so you keep your youth. You're worth it.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Damn Fire!

I haven't been much into blogging, lately.

I just started back to my seasonal government job, which has really been messing up my sleeping schedule. The sad thing, is that it has really affected my creative flow.

My kids stayed the weekend with me, and have been just a blast, until later this afternoon, when they were wrecking the house with reckless abandon.

This was stressing me out (even after a good nap)...Well I damned near overwhelmed the house when I was burning cardboard with smoke. I thought that the chimney damper had closed, so I actually closed it, started the cardboard, heard the kids yelling for me to see them in the bath and...I came back out to see flames and smoke licking around the top of the fireplace. Bloody, lovely! Just grand.

I quickly determined that nothing would be harmed by the flames itself, so I tore off the plastic weather layer from off of the sliding glass door and opened it, the front door, and windows for the smoke to escape. It's now all over but cleaning up the soot. Still, no actual harm...What a blessing. Definitely a first for me. Thank goodness I don't panic; But so help me, I had all sorts of possible options racing through my brain. I really picked the best one.

That being said, I intend to buy two fire extinguishers ASAP.